You can't tell me what to do!

I was driving back from dropping my kids off at youth group when I saw the protest. Hundreds of people at the capitol building protesting the governor’s vaccine mandate for state workers.  

I scanned the crowd, expecting to see familiar anti-vaccine slogans, but this was different. The protestors were not as much against vaccinations as they were against mandates.  

I’m completely for vaccines, and, really more or less for vaccine mandates. But still, I can get behind a good “you can’t tell me what to do.”  

Stopped at a light across from the capitol building, I saw a group of people dressed all in white from head to toe. Are they dressed as sheep, I wondered from a distance? No—more like automatons or robots or something.  Each of them has a sign on their chest that says “comply.” They are politely waiting for the light to change before they cross the street. 

Isn't that funny, I thought.  The government can’t tell you what to do, but that little light can.  

But that’s just it, isn’t it? We live in groups of people. And those groups have expectations for us. And sometimes we follow those expectations easily and sometimes we resist.   

Photo by author, from car stopped at light

Gretchen Rubin talks about the ways we might resist expectations in her book, The Four Tendencies.  

According to her, some of us like to meet expectations. She talks about herself that way. She tells a story about someone asking her “How do you make yourself do all these goals you set for yourself?” The question barely makes sense to her at first. “Well,” she says. “I decide to do it. Then I do it.”  

Huh. Weird.  

Rubin calls people like her who like to meet expectations “upholders.”  

But lots of us resist expectations in one way or another. Rubin thinks of those of us with the tendency to generally resist someone else’s expectations of us, but who easily meet the expectations we have of ourselves as “questioners”. These are the folks who really need to decide for themselves what they are going to do.  

People who will easily meet someone else’s expectations, but blow off their own expectations of themselves, Rubin calls “obligers.” These are the people who need to meet a partner at the gym because they know they won’t show up on their own. 

I fit in the group Rubin calls “rebels”—I resist everything. It doesn’t always work for me.  

I remember once at work, I had a great idea. I was super excited about it. Best idea ever. I told my boss about it. We both loved it! It truly was a great idea! I practically skipped back to my desk to start working on it. Ten minutes later I got an email from my boss directing me to do this great idea. It took all the wind out of my sails. Suddenly I didn't want to anymore, now that I had to.  

Once, I thought I had hacked my own self into working out. I made extra-hot coffee in the evening, and I put it in a thermos. I put that thermos on the treadmill, so that if I wanted coffee in the morning, I was at least going to have to visit the treadmill. Brilliant. Right? 

6:00 am. I know about the coffee. But you know what? I’m gonna do what I want to do.  

I mean, technically, what I want to do is exercise and be healthy. But really, what I want to do right now is stay in bed.  

I’m literally so stubborn that I’m resisting drinking hot coffee. 

I know my behavior doesn’t make sense, but it helps me to be able to name the fact that I’m resisting expectations. And resisting is a normal thing to do. But it’s still no excuse to stay in bed. Naming the resistance helps get me out of my emotions and into a place where I can really think about what I want—besides that I don’t want anyone to tell me what to do.  

Because, really, expectations—and resistance—are part of our daily lives.   

It’s not unusual to set yourself a bedtime. Or to blow it off.  

It's not unusual for spouses to ask something of one another. And it’s not unusual to resent that sometimes. But, then, maybe we come around and do it anyway. Because we love each other, and this relationship is important to us.  

It’s not unusual for a boss to ask us to do something. And it’s not unusual to hate it. But then we do it. Because it’s our job.  

It’s not unusual for a society to ask something of its members. And as much as we may resist, still, we pay taxes; we give ambulances the right of way. We recycle. Send our kids to school. Vote. Wear our masks. Get vaccinated. Because our community is important. And because we’re stronger together.